I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You can't special order awesome
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
