I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
