can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
