I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
