I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
