Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I puked a lego.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
