Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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