come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
