Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
