What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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