The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wish my penis had an off switch
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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