I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Found the puke drawer
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
