Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
