It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
