I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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