I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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