so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
