I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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