I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I seem to have left my pride at pride
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize