I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
