Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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