Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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