I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
