boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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