my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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