i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
