my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
