i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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