but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
