So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
