I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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