I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
