I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
