ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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