I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
