LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
