well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
