I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
