I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
