Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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