It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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