apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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