I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
