Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize