you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
