I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
