Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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