i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
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