I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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