So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
