true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize