Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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