she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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