so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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