My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
