There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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