I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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