dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
