3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
