He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
