i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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