if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i think my mom watched the whole time
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
