Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
